Sunday, December 27, 2009

Morning After

WHAT am I going to do with this son? I am horrified to see how very like his father -- and his bio-mom -- he is. Is there nothing of me, none of my training in him at all? It's really very, very upsetting. I feel like one of those parents who adopt a troubled child and then are so distraught to find out that that act did not take away their genetic make-up. Not that I ever thought it would, but I guess I did think -- have always thought -- that nurture is far more than nature. So some of my love and care should have been there in him.

Joe was angry at me, because I was going to take his phone away for a month. This is something we had agreed upon, on several occasions, and I had reminded him of it a number of times. And still, he was $80 over his plan. Not as bad as the month he was $500 over, but still. And yet, he reacted as though I had told him I was going to pull out his teeth with pliers. Shock, horror, and then a hysterical -- and I mean that literally -- reaction that lasted for several hours. Crying, screaming, hitting the wall, stomping, shouting, yelling all kinds of completely false (or just halfway false) accusations at me, and my mothering skills, dating back to when I left his father, and he claims now that he wanted to go with me, but was unable to because I left "early." All sorts of rapid-fire accusations that put me squarely to blame for almost everything that had gone wrong in his life. And no regret or even accepting of responsibility for, his own actions. None whatever.

I'm stunned. Shouldn't be, but am. So now what can I do?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve Day --2009 (looks like a movie subtitle!)

Well, I am back from another walk around Milwaukie (the town of), this Christmas Eve morning! I am aware of the coldness (my thighs are still registering chill) but I am very, very warm! (my thighs are burning!) Woo-Hoo! I feel good, like I knew that I would.

Joe is still asleep on the floor in the living room. He stayed up pretty late last night. And so did I, I must admit -- after midnight, in order to finish the book I was reading, even though I've read it at least twice before. "Some Lie and Some Die" by Ruth Rendell -- knowing that I still had to be up by six-thirty, in spite of having the day off. Must drink coffee at same time every day! I'm considering trying to break that cycle, though, now that I no longer have hormones running like fire through my veins. But not today!

As I passed the Waldorf School on my way out, a flock of geese rose from the large playing field, probably -- oh, let's be conservative -- say, one hundred and fifty. Probably closer to twice that many! All at once, all honking to beat the band, and they separated into two bands, one swooping out to the north in a wide circular loop, and the other to the south. It was something to see. I watched with my jaw hanging open. Reminds me of the swallows at Chapman School, though not as astonishing.

Didn't get coffee, since Sully's was closed until January 3rd -- next YEAR! --and I was already past the other two coffee shops that I know of when I found that out. So I simply carried my travel mug with me, which prevented me walking with my hands in my pockets. Probably a good thing.

Saw a cop out this morning, saw him three times in fact. I had crossed the street in front of him, and he looked at me pretty closely -- which would have worried me, if I had had anything to worry about -- but did make me wonder, since it was after nine in the morning. Not the crack of dawn or anything. So I walked on, congratulating myself on living a life that is so completely free of any wrong-doing that I am not even slightly concerned when I see a police officer. And then, maybe three blocks on, he came around the corner in front of me, about a block up, and looked pretty hard at me again. The third time was several minutes later, as I was crossing behind the lumber yard. He had pulled someone over and his lights were on. So possibly just an extra-determined cop, who was looking for anyone doing anything wrong.

I am very happy to have this day off, since I will spend it amusing myself! By which I mean cleaning my room, and unpacking boxes. Well, I find that amusing! I will probably also walk up to the Salvation Army, possibly get a coke at Taco Bell as I pass it by, possibly stop by the library -- in short, treating this day like any other weekend day! We are not celebrating Christmas here at our house. Next year, however, I will! I will be completely settled into this sweet little apartment, Joe will not be camping out in my living room, and I will have a little money to spend! Party givers, watch out!

Well, the crisp hot sweet buttery toast I just ate is gone, with even the streusel-y smell dissipating on the empty air, so I guess if I want more food I'd better go and make some. Tea! Hot, fragrant tea! More crisp hot toast! Possibly even some soft scrambled eggs!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rubicon is not just a cool-sounding word! It has MEANING!

You know what I don't like? One of the things, that is, of course -- there are so many things that I don't like, if I started counting them up, it would carry us on all day. Brussels sprouts, for one. Underground parking structures for another. Comb-overs. People with authority who misuse it. People without authority who pretend that they have it. Tight waistbands. East winds.

But the thing I was talking about at the start of that paragraph -- I don't like advertisements that cater directly and without any admixture, to the sex urge. In both men and women. For example, this ad I have been seeing lately for the latest Jeep model, which is called, ludicrously and ignorantly, the Rubicon. The Rubicon! The Point of No Return Jeep! The beyond-this-is-certain-death Jeep! Ridiculous.

Anyway, the whole ad, which is set to the song, "She's So Hot" which is a really stupid song, too -- vapid and free of content and just basically a dance tune. The ad has a lovely, long-limbed girl with long dark hair driving a top-down Jeep through the city streets, and flashing to different angles of this same girl and this same Jeep and these same streets, while she smooths back her hair and flirts with the camera.

AND THAT"S IT. That's the whole ad. That's the entire package designed to make me say, "Oh, man, if I just had a Jeep RUBICON I would look just like that dark-haired long-limbed girl! Get me a Jeep Rubicon TODAY!" and to make any male say, "Man, she's SO HOT! She's SO HOT! I WANT that dark-haired long-limbed girl! Get me a Jeep Rubicon today!"